note: for more information on meltdowns/shutdowns please read here.
trigger: going over finances with brother, difficult social interactions
location: in my bed, in my silent messy apartment with my curtains down
notes:
I want to go to some place I could live with my dog, Baldwin, in solitude. I’m in a shutdown dissociative state right now. I can’t speak. I have therapy later today. I don’t know how I am going to communicate with her for 50 minutes.
Everything is insanely difficult for me to do now. Eating regularly, managing my finances…any task that requires extended focus. I can still read and write. I currently feel like I’m outside of my body watching myself write this right now.
Talking feels like it would require an immense amount of effort. If I never talked again I wouldn’t mind. I’m over communicating with others. It’s so taxing. So much wordiness and contradicting statements. I’m over it.
How did I get here? To this point in life? Was I always going to get to this point? Did my parents know something was off about me? Did they try to pass me off as normal or hope that I would be?
Would life be easier in an asylum? Probably not. So instead, I’m staying here in this apartment alone (quarantined because of COVID) and unemployed because my Dad, brother, and friends believe in me.
I do not know why they do. I can’t even reliably remember to move my car, to eat, or make a spreadsheet.
I can't thank you enough for your courage to share your experiences and feelings. I have learned on my own over the years that such sharing and talking with people about one's conditions and challenges and needs can be helpful in many ways - to find out relevant information you didn't know about, to discover you are not alone with your burdens, to realize that time can heal. And you are opening the door for your readers to begin to discuss some of these issues with their friends and loved ones. Thank you, Michelle. Wishing you comfort and all good things (for you).
Oh, I know this feeling. It is hard. I am hoping the best for you, that you can get through this. Pets are a godsend! I'm happy for you that you have Baldwin there with you. 💚